Alright, I'm not going to lie, this blogging every day is starting to get a little painful. Yet I wake up excited to see what the next day's fetish has in stall. I think I'm already an Algolagniac. I mistake pain for pleasure... and I lust. Too much work (read: pain) would make anyone want to masturbate. Using this framework (rather than your typical hedonism) it explains why I do the shitty things I do... date the shitty boyfriends I've dated, and then delight in imagining me inflicting pain on them... wait, no that's a different fetish.

For some reason, Algolagnia has been differentiated from masochism... this is actually the sexual term. Any one can like hurting yourself. Here, you actually get turned on. There. I may be a total vanilla and not very good in the sack, but I'm good at my words! Just kidding. I'm alright in the sack. But not great. I just use big words to describe my sexperiences, so people think I know what I'm doing. You know what I"m saying.

I just googled Algolagnia and the internet would not like to make a statement at this time. However, I noted that on one site, a suggested treatment was 'group therapy'. So Paraphiles, if you're looking at manifesting this in your life under the auspice of treating something that's probably completely natural, join a group therapy session. It seems like a great way to meet people in the same boat as you. What could possibly go wrong huh? A bunch of Algolagniacs getting together and having painful sex. The only type of woman that I would know who actually enjoyed their first times. 

Aside from sounding like a pasta, I think we should all put this on the menu. Life is pain, why not be a little turned on by it?

Alright Paraphiles, I've had a big long sexy painful day.

Twist a nipple for me!

E. McCruel.

Alrighty boys and girls. Any one that's ever had sex with a blow up doll could confidently call themselves Agalmato-curious.

What I particularly like about the idea of watching statues have sex, is little girls are pretty much socialised to do this when we enact romance scenes between our Barbie and Ken dolls. Memories of playing out "Days of our Lifes" with GI Joe and Ken duking it out to win the love of the harem (there were always 10 Barbies to 1 male Ken doll in my household). I miss Barbie. I feel that if I were to go back and act as a fly on the wall, I would understand the self-fulfilling prophecy that is the dramatic romantic tale of my life. 

That said, of late, I haven't had any urges to f*ck the garden gnomes. Maybe I'm just not that into short statues. 

What I enjoy is the idea of watching statue porn. Imagine the tension as we wonder, "Who will make the first move?" I'm not entirely sure, but already the thrill gives me a little lady-statuette in my pants. 

An aside: I just googled 'statue sex' and I'd like to acknowledge that for the rest of my life I will be on government record for having googled 'statue sex'. The TPP is going to make for an interesting political career... have a fun with my blog opposing political party, whomever you may be. If every I become leader of the the "Stand-up for your Swinging Vote" Party (I will be pushing through a combination of swing dancers and stand-up policies), I'll have to do some fast talking.

Meanwhile, you HAVE to see this:
​Sexy Statues from around the world

And we're not the only weird ones. This deer below teaches us that it's important to be tender to your statue... even if they give you the ol' starfish routine.

It is important to distinguish between whether you'd like to be the amputee or the one sexually attracted to the amputee. In many ways it is typical of the Greeks to supply the decent linguistic root of the kinky Graeco-Romanti-Tragedy that is Acrotomophilia. Whether you enjoy a little English Patient on your icecream-eating Pre-menstrual Mental Health Day, or you'd like to woo girl of your dreams with a 3 hour long make-out session to a very long war drama, you could be an Acrotomophiliac chasing some soft porn. Warning for those who aren't really into that type of thing, be wary of Greeks supplying you with giant wooden dildos left at your portcullis- they could be out to pillage and rape (in that order, because Acrotomophiliacs think it's sexier that way).

This particular fetish is topical at the moment, because the Pussy Posse (AKA the Comedy Girl Guides) discussed this very issue in our latest podcast episode (Episode 4 - Happy Mental Health Day). Whilst the story was specifically about a crazy wench who wanted to  bleach-blind herself, Jasmine decided to go all out and describe some movie in which some chick stalked crash site victims in order to have sex. As if car crashes weren't traumatic enough. How on earth are you supposed to say your safe word when you have an airbag in your face??

For those who are stumped by this, you might as well join the amputee club. 

The real tragedy here is that, with such random acts of amputation (like in car crashes), the probability of an apotemnophiliac being in the accident must be quite slim. Many of us believe that we will find 'the one', that there is a nut for our bolt, an input for our output, a prosthesis for our limb, but in reality those victims might not even LIKE sex right after their vehicle smashes into a tree. Weird I know. The only consolation is, the likelihood of them being too drunk to care is probably quite high. 

I'm going to err on the side of disgusting now and suggest that for some, amputation severs a purpose. There is a place for everything, and everything in its place. Whether you're an out-hole or an in-hole, you too can find completeness. Some one will love you and everything you can achieve with your phantom limb. 

If you would like to manifest this in your life, I would recommend spending a good deal of time on a 20th century battlefield. You definitely want to be living in the age of antibiotics so the likelihood of your amputee surviving is much higher. Then, I would suggest you care for your amputee and try to win his/her love and respect. The more angelic you are like, the better. When healed, carry on as usual. Perhaps at some stage, apply a soothing balm to his/her wounds. Remember, they have to survive the ordeal.

Happy hunting paraphiles. 

E. McCruel

I put the word out to the crew. I googled their suggestions. I found a list on wikipedia constructed by  Anil Aggrawal describing 547 possible types of paraphilia. This is a lot more options than fetlife.com offer... they're clearly sexually repressed and not willing to go the whole distance.

This will not be a great work of literature. This will be a great work of sado-disciplinism. I'm going to explore precisely one per day. This will be under duress because my Dom likes it that way - we don't even have a safe word that's how hardcore I am. I vow to say the first things that pop into my head, rape it for good bits to use in my stand up and forget about it until I decide to memorise the whole list as a party trick. It's important to have a kinky party trick to impress people. Also, talking about sex seems to attract exactly the right type of guy/girl who thinks about you one-dimensionally and merely wants you as a play thing. What more could a girl ask for. F*ck you Disney, there are more ways than your soppy romances to screw up a child's hopes and dreams of ever finding true love. 

TW. I may generate rape jokes - not because it's funny, but because The McCruel alter-ego does what she wants and I actually can't control her. 

My tips for manifesting these lifestyle choices are clearly tried and tested over millennium. There is a huge corpus of corpse-f*cking annals which I will be consulting. Nothing will be made up. At all. Because I'm thorough like that, and obviously sarcastic. I use sarcasm as a defence mechanism to protect me from the nice people of this world. They hurt us the most.

All in all, if you were expecting a nice blog, you will not find that here. Particularly when we get to capitalism and puppy fetishes. I'm going to make the assumption that everyone is a fetishist. I'm going to make sweeping sexist generalisations - even though gender is clearly fluid in everyone. I do this in real life, but normally I would apologise about it. I exaggerate and generalise which makes me wildly inaccurate. Don't bother correcting me, because I'm not likely to argue with you on the internet. I'll stalk you and slash your tires

Every now and then I will update you on my fetlife profile which is necessary for my field research. I wish I actually had time to pursue my sexual preferences and discover more about myself, but I only really have time for work and comedy, so unfortunately I'm all talk and very little penetration. 

Like I said, take it from an expert, and use my advice to manifest these sexual preferences in your own life. Because, as we all know, sexual orientation is a lifestyle choice... If you don't get sarcasm, you're going to have a really really hard time here. But Jesus will still love you.